Tara's trespassing post reminded me of one of my earliest childhood memories, not about the act of trespass though.
It was in my pre-nursery/pre-school years so I must have been under 5. The airforce did recruitment open days every year in our town, they had a couple of planes, a mobile caravan and various other events and displays in an area of the town. My mum must have thought I would be interested to see a jet plane up close. They had two sets of narrow stairs up to the jet's cockpit and there were a lot of guys crowding in on both sides. Somehow my mum managed to get up the stairs carrying me and I don't know if I was a special case or not but she was allowed to sit me in the pilot's seat. Great! What a treat! Then it all went wrong for me. Seems such a silly thing now but the guys were all crowding around and were interested in the flight joystick, that's where their focus was - I think an airforce man was moving it around and telling the other guys about it while I sat quietly. Being an infant I was naturally curious, so as soon as he let go of it I grabbed hold of it. It must have been amusing because all the guys erupted into laughter. That cockpit turned into a pit of hell as all the attention turned on my young self. I was probably a bit frightened when they all started laughing and it was really laughing at nothing but my infant curiosity however I remember crying and wanting desperately for my mum to remove me from the cockpit. What should have been an enjoyable experience became something much less pleasurable.
It was an experience that has stayed in my memory for a long time. I often have to talk to groups of people for work, often times they are strangers to me and I have no problem doing that. I am in control and am confident. However, when I find I am suddenly the centre of attention in situations where I haven't been warned or haven't instigated it, I hate it. The simplest example of this is when I join a group of friends at a pub or restaurant and they are already there and seated. They might be talking and laughing about something completely not related to me but as I walk in and hear their laughter, my sensitivity is "are they laughing at me?". I am suddenly thrown into the limelight and I dislike it intensely - I much prefer to be part of the group from the beginning or walk in with someone else. We all have insecurities, this is mine.
3 comments:
Aw, what a bittersweet memory! Kinda cool to be in the cockpit, but I can definitely understand how all that attention and loud laughter made you cry.
And I understand about the discomfort you have now. I get invited by coworkers to meet them at a restaurant nearby. Most of the time they've already beat me there and I hate having to search the crowded restaurant for them. Then when I see them there's that brief bit where they're all focused on me.
Wow, I know that feeling EXACTLY. You are doing your thing and all of a sudden realize you are the center of attention! Awful. Not a fan of that either...although yes, like you I can be the center of attention if it is what I am meant to be doing at the time.
Tara: Also, it's worse in winter because I often have to remove my glasses because they steam up when I first walk into a restaurant.
L.B.: There's no way around the feeling, I've found. It's just one of those things we have to live with.
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