Big Brother Dimwit's A Failure

I like Jade Goody, she's proof that you don't have to have a special talent or a searing intellect to become a celebrity - you can just be yourself. For that, I admire her. She has a horrible amount of bad press though. She was top of a list of ugly celebrities and I don't even think she's ugly in any way shape or form. Well, maybe behaviour-wise when she ran around naked on Big Brother but I'm sure that's just because of the booze she consumed. You may find this a harsh post but I thought I'd start it with this explanation so that you'd know it is intended to be a tongue in cheek poke at the media who put Jade down.

The news story is here you have to read it to appreciate the cartoon. I thought I could have some fun parodying this - check out my version of events:

This is Jade Goody as she enters the 2006 London Marathon. Our reporter on the scene asks her if she's confident.

Reporter: Are you confident you'll finish Jade?

Jade: No, not confident really. Well I have just come back from holiday you know. Loads of greasy chips and kebabs and after lots of booze you wouldn't be confident neither! Well, you have to splash out a bit when you're on hols don'tcha? Anyways, I'm here to do me best. That's all anyone does innit?



Reporter: What? Do you mean you haven't been doing any training?

Jade: Oh yeah, I done loads of training. But that was before me holiday! I've probably ruined me chances ain't I? Anyways, gotta go - I'm late as it is! Ooo, eck!

Presenter narrates: Jade bravely runs for the first 8 miles, an incredible effort burning up all the fat she consumed whilst on holiday. She perseveres by walking the next four miles, even despite the hostile crowd who jeer and laugh at her buckled, twisted legs and contorted facial expressions. She sweats and begins to look less and less like a celebrity with each zigzagging, knock-kneed step. Eventually she collapses. Oh no! Poor girl. But fear not the ambulance crew are on hand to save her. We spoke to one of the ambulancemen.


Ambulanceman: Yeah, Jade was all slippery with sweat. We got her into the back of the ambulance and I said "Get some fluids inside her, quick!" and she's saying "WKD, I need WKD". But I was trying to explain we don't have booze on the van. Then I said to Barry, my partner, "This is serious mate, if we don't get some crispy duck down her gullet I don't know if she's gonna make it to the hospital".

Reporter: And did you find some crispy duck?

Ambulanceman: Yeah, funnily enough Jade House, the Chinese Takeaway, is just there (he points)

Presenter narrates: Later we spoke to a witness.


Reporter: Did you see Jade collapse?

Woman: I did. She was walking at a snail's pace, zigzagging you know! Only I knew somethink was wrong 'cos she woz steamin', it was like watching a kettle boiling. She's crying and getting all hysterical and they're trying to get her into the van. Next thing she's gone completely blue.

Reporter: Like Violet Beauregard you mean?

Woman: Yes. But bluer.

The End